When It's Our Time To Go

I took delight in each breath of the salt filled mist that I drew in with the gentle wind moving across the eastern sea before me. There I sat in a folding chair along the shoreline, hearing there the waves, seeing their rolling froth bash the shore, seeing the tiny smooth rocks being covered and changed by the ocean waters moving over the sand.

 

It was here the delightful appearance and scent of seaweed met my nostrils and here that I saw discarded jellyfish washed ashore gathering on the bank along with empty snail and crab shells.

 

A sunset would come slowly with our ancient sun appearing gradually, as I watched it now sitting there alone drinking Canadian R & R whisky disguised in a diet Pepsi bottle.

 

I looked ahead of me there staring out over the outstretching waters. I looked as deeply into this life sitting there as I could, attempting to discover insight into its mysterious reality, as much insight as my eyes and soul might be permitted to know, as much as I could do so meditating and quieting my mind to a connection with God the source and continuer of all love and absolute meaning there is to know.

 

I needed to have my mind opened, to have no regrets of where I directed my will,  having an aching, desiring, longing heart for His ultimate reality. I want to be open to listening for a conversation with God, to know clearly through my experiences His presence on this journey through the world and I’ve had that kind of conversation before.

 

In peaceful places in Nova Scotia I’ve sat alone, noticeably so, seeming strangely and conspicuously alone to other people who watched nearby seeing me with my feet in the waves. We’ve had many talks together for hours there alone together. My heart longs now in reflection of those talks desiring my unfailing best friends nature totally revealed to me after these hints, tastings, of His overarching love revealed in prayer. This inspiration, these revelations, make me so long to be where it is that you are God. Life is of course however precious and valuable and meant to be lived. You are also more then my friend but the being who is all our best friend, all of humanity.

 

With Him no more woes and weary days await us ultimately. Somewhere in silent shade, beyond the trees of life, is where trouble does not make weary the way. I hear rumors there of saints and pilgrims and I try and give homage to these descendants while passing the Nova Scotia cemeteries, while moving through the Wentworth mountains, driving past the quiet churches and their graveyards,  watching for sightings of black bear emerging from the deep verdant mountain forest.

 

Bodies are at rest in these graveyards I pass by, the persons in them at home now with God, their former wounds and struggles disappearing entirely, their wounded hearts healed, those troubles having faded away, dissipating, with grievances drifting away never to burden humanity again, being forgotten as the people meet an underappreciated and profoundly valuable, undying, and unconquerable love and ceaseless Holy joy.

 

What might this mystery mean ultimately for us if this is true like I suggest it is. As this life of ours questions hope, moving in rotations, spinning through the deep macrocosms of infinity, within a surrounding secret realm of the questionably immortal, among hidden dimensions, and their open-ended possibility, with the days passing, waning, seen by us in our fleeting mortal lives, what might it all possibly mean. Dare we to marvel on the way into tomorrow by looking and trusting in our reality with hope that this all leads to where summer nights won't fail or end.

 

I am on my way to where mosquitos do not bite, where fierce winds do not blow, to knowing this present microcosm of a planet that I’m on now and then moving on to knowing far beyond its mystical shores. I’m going on far past the harsh and unforgiving unpredictability that mortal life challenges us with by moving on to where my spirit can finally shout in delight, where I can sing and celebrate, gladly falling down prostate before God with the dust of Heaven joyfully in my face.

 

To be past the desolation of uncertainty forever, past that fear, grief, and pain, where our cry’s seem often faint, where fathers and mothers pass, and other tragedies like these trouble us beyond belief in realities that we must face. A trembling prayer is made, as the skies above the water are blue overhead, for the former and present pilgrims of life.

 

I think about all who have wondered the earth now. It’s to them I give a nod, a hopeful gesture to a reality that I believe in that we’ll meet all of them again and somehow strangely they seem to nod back. It is not only my hope, but all of the livings hope. It’s a hope for all who believe in love and who haven’t lost hope. It’s trusting in a tomorrow that offers the salvaging of yesterdays memories.

 

I want to give all of these pilgrims a solemn lonely thanks. I offer thanks to them who have laid down after all those tears they have shed in the world, and they, these great former travelers we love, the remnants of yesterday, they echo a familiar chores to my praying mind, saying together, in utter conformity, that once paradise was found for them, they only wished one thing. So deeply feeling it now they wish that they had loved more then they did in the world, before not knowing well mysteries depth, Gods total compassion and real nature held for everything He created.

 

In this tired world they were once a part of they hadn’t known how far reaching His love was. Seeing God fully in every aspect they know our hope clearly beyond any doubt and live a fullness of love themselves and with that power they wait for us and emphatically cheer us on with shouts and cheers and hollers of love and even tears enthusiastically saying “You can do this! I will be waiting for you! I love you so much!”

 

Please have mercy on me and the rest of us travelers, as I know you do, oh great merciful Heavenly Father.  We are not forsaken here but will always be remembered in your story as you are our God. We so long to find a home with you among your Heavenly family when it is our time.

What does the illness schizophrenia do?

Here are a few facts of why it's difficult to function, hold down a job, find a relationship, keep a lawn mowed regularly, as I struggle living with this illness called schizophrenia. In my opinion the illness is also why all of the friends I had from my youth are all gone from my life.

 

Here are a few unforgettable facts about schizophrenia.

 

Schizophrenia is a chronic, severe, mental disorder that effects the way a person thinks, acts, expresses emotions, perceives reality, and relates to others. Although schizophrenia isn't as common as other major mental illnesses, it can be the most chronic and disabling mental illness.

 

People living with schizophrenia have a higher risk of developing physical illnesses  then the general population.

 

I'm forty-six now and I have just recently been diagnosed with diabetes and am developing now serious circulation problems. These problems directly result from using an antipsychotic medication named Olanzapine or Zyprexa.  Zyprexa has faced many class action lawsuits directed against the manufacturer by lawyers from people who in the late 2010’s who had used Zyprexa for schizophrenia. They had developed diabetes, had amputations, were people who were forced to have kidney dialyses, had damage to their pancreas, or other serious medical problems that were directly linked the use of Zyprexa.

 

I’ve been on Zyprexa since 1999. Using the medication has greatly reduced former aggression and loss of self control. The lack of self control presented itself in tantrums that destroyed my own property or that lead me to fight in the bars.

 

Zyprexa is the most effective drug I’ve used to control my delusional thinking which is it’s main use. 

 

As another side effect of Zyprexa I’ve lived with a severe social anxiety limiting my ability socially which after twenty years practically a recluse should be obvious. Thanks again to my old buddies for that you cowards.

 

People with Schizophrenia have a mortality rate that is three times greater each year then those without schizophrenia. A new study from the Lund University in Sweden shows that the average life expectancy of men and women with schizophrenia is 15 years and 12 years shorter respectively than those who do not suffer from the disease.

 

Persons with this illness have a greatly diminished life span overall. In general people with this disorder die more then 25 years earlier than the general population. The most common causes of death were cardiovascular disease, cancer (particularly lung cancer), diabetes, influenza, accidental deaths, and suicides.

 

People with different kinds of schizophrenia deal with variations of disabling problems like hallucinations, disorganized speech etc. depending on how the illness effects them.

 

A delusion is a firmly-held idea that a person has despite clear obvious evidence that it isn't true. Delusions are extremely common in schizophrenia, occurring in more than 90% of those who have the disorder.

Often these delusions involve illogical or bizarre ideas or fantasies. 

 

In my case the belief I have is that I'm being secretively watched in my home, widely known from the surveillance, with my life, all it’s goings on, broadcast by television technology to everyone else in society who keep the conspiracy secret from me. It’s a very unsettling, tormenting belief, a great disruption to my life, and very cruel for any persons life and peace living with this disease.

 

Common to these beliefs is also:

 

Delusions of persecution-- a belief that others, often a vague "they," are out to get you. These persecutory delusions often involve ideas and plots. (e,g. The CIA trying to poison the person with radioactive particles delivered through his/her tap water.)

 

Delusions of reference--A neutral environmental event is believed to have a special and personal meaning. For example, you might believe a billboard or a person on TV is sending a message meant specifically for you.  

 

Delusions of grandeur—A belief that you are a famous or important figure, such as Jesus Christ or Napoleon. Alternatively, delusions of grandeur may involve the belief that the person has unusual powers, such as the ability to fly. 

 

Delusions of control—A belief that your thoughts or actions are being controlled by outside, alien forces. Common delusions of control are through broadcasting ("My private thoughts are being transmitted to others"), thought insertion ("Someone is planting thoughts in my head"), and thought withdrawal ("The CIA is robbing me of my thoughts").

 

Another part of schizophrenia is the Disorganized behavior. Schizophrenia disrupts goal-directed activity by impairing your ability to take care of yourself, your work, and interact with others.

 

Disorganized behavior appears as:

 

A decline in overall daily functioning.  Unpredictable or inappropriate emotional responses. Behaviors that appear bizarre and have no purpose. Lack of inhibition and impulse control. 

 

Negative symptoms of schizophrenia refer to the absence of normal behaviors found in healthy individuals, such as:

 

Lack of emotional expression--inexpressive face, including a flat voice, lack of eye contact, and blank or restricted facial expressions.

 

Lack of interest or enthusiasm--Problems with motivation; lack of self-care. Seeming lack of interest in the world-Apparent unawareness of the environment; social withdrawal.

 

This list above I’ve presented of schizophrenias effects on people with the illness lives doesn’t describe everything about the illness. There is more in the lists to be typed and much more to be researched. This information is presented here in defense of my own limitations as well as dignity as well as all other persons dignity, whatever mental illness they happen to struggle with. We aren’t bad people we have illnesses that effect the brain and our thought,

 

 

I think something else should be said as an afterthought here. Many of us people living with this mental illness are interesting, likable, and good people in our own right. It’s an insult to be shown only a pitiful interest in us when really we  deserve far more then that from other imperfect people who might be sane but many of them as well may tend to be quite boring. 

 

In defense of my lifestyle who stays home for twenty years and never hardly ventures out into the world except with emotional support and direct help from people in my family. When a person retreats into loneliness living as a recluse for twenty years what fair minded person judgmentally suggests he’s not really struggling with some psychological distress of some kind.

 

 Why then can’t the world recognize this illness as a legitimate impairment like any other devastating illness respectfully by preserving the people’s dignity living through this illness.

 

Also as another rant when a person with a milder form of mental illness, who’s seeking praise and justification for their own overcoming of a milder form of mental illness, points toward a person with a more severe form of mental illness and suggests publicly that since he/she has themself overcame their own mental illness, with some success, why then can’t he do the same, and make a public spectacle of the whole business, then the entire spirit of caring and trying to support other people with mental illness is reduced greatly. Where is the solidarity and preservation of dignity for me and also many other mentally ill people struggling with mental illness by such a self serving attitude that causes compassion to go right out the window.

 

If we can’t even be kind and supportive between ourselves then we aren’t really mental health advocates I guess is what I’m really obviously trying to say. Thanks for reading this.

 

The unlikable guy